Deathly Ill and Always Busy

audino-master:

sogorgeousitsick:

right now

erryday

Uuuuh I wasn’t gonna talk about this ever because showing weakness in my family leaves you open to VICIOUS ATTACK (god it’s like I was raised by wild dogs…maybe my family is a little like that…look my family is kind of complicated okay), but I spontaneously feel like talking about this. (runon sentence holy crap)

So my second or third week of college, I was having a hard time with something, and I was calling my mom to sort it out, and she goes all out of the blue “I’m not having a good day, we had to put the cat down.”

And I’m like “holy fuck, you couldn’t have told me about this BEFORE YOU DID IT?”
And she’s like “look I’m having a hard time leave me alone.”

And my second or third week of college, in a completely new state, with absolutely nobody I knew all around me, I went and sat in the study room and made a complete mess of myself. Like crying so hard I was dry-heaving. (It was really gross.) All over the cat that I didn’t even like. (That was definitely the hardest I’ve cried, like, ever.)

Oh, and the whole time, I was crying really loudly and thinking “holy cats jesus I hope nobody heard me god that’d be super awkward.”
(I’m still kinda curious if anyone did, and were just like “oh god I do not want to get involved in that at all,” ahahahaha) 

And then I didn’t tell anyone that one of my cats had died, so people at school would be like, “oh do you have pets?”
and I’d be like, “oh well I used to have two cats but one died last week.”

And people from home would be like, “oh right how’s Nanashi?”
And I’d be like, “She’s dead.”   :|

Because I wouldn’t really know how to react.
I’m not good about sharing the bad things that happen to me. Mostly I won’t. I won’t talk about them until something forces me to.
(Example: I didn’t tell my roommate that I was dropping out of college until like, a week before I had to evacuate the room. It might’ve even been later than that…)

SO THERE’S MY STORY ABOUT BEING EMOTIONALLY STILTED
and having a weird trauma about never leaving yourself open
jeez was I raised by hyenas or what 

(Source: reblogthis-if, via hikuza)